Its 4 am.... can't sleep...big surprise.

Since its 4am and I am not able to sleep I thought, "hey Blog".

That's me holding Andrew 6 yrs ago. Wow, how time flies. Its also 130 pounds lighter too.

My weight has always yoyoed and I guess I am use to it. But now, I just want to be healthy. Losing the weight is not as important as being healthy, what ever weight that might be.

Beginning today I start with my personal trainer Sara. I pray this 24 yr old girl, doesn't kill me, or scream her so called encouragement at me. I don't like THAT type of motivation. No boot camps for me. I am more of the loving, sweet type gets you more with me type.

Did that make sense? I am not so sure and since its 4:13am who really cares.

Looking back at that picture, I remember being scared to death. This was my last baby. My only boy. Shortly after that picture was taken he had his open heart surgery.

I recall feeling very numb throughout the beginning years with Andrew. I did not want to feel much for if I did I would break into a million pieces.

Giving birth to a typical child is scary enough, but this little guy, WOW roller coaster ride from hell.

I think back and say "how did I do it?" I guess the answer was, I had no other choice. He was my son, my one and only last child. If not for me than who?

He was so small and yet the strongest person I had ever known. Still is to this day.

I love him like nothing I have ever felt before or ever will again. He has pushed my emotional limits without even trying.

I sit hear with tears in my eyes....well lots of tears, just remembering how simply horrified I was at the thought of not being "enough" for Andrew.

Could I help him? Could I teach him?

I loved him and at that moment I realized that was all I could offer. My heart sank.

What IF's flowed around in my mind like a tornado. I thought I was a good Mother up until this point. Until this perfect Angel from God came into my life. Now what? I would stare at him for hours in the NICU and just run ideas over and over in my mind of what might be yet to come.

I did not want to disappoint God.

I never felt so alone, scared and lost.

I recall feeling that way after my mothers suicide in 83'. I was 16 and life as I knew it changed in a blink if an eye. At least with this I could prepare in advance of the event.

I found out at 17 weeks Andrew had Down syndrome and a sizable hole in his heart.

I began to read everything there was on DS. I called the Early Intervention specialist in VA beach and asked a million questions. Still after 6 months of planning, I was a wreck.

I never could have imagined the ride I was about to under take was going to be so incredibly tough. Best laid plans.........