Feeling better today

Feeling much better today.  I think all the rest helped me out a lot.
Got my medications refilled and back on track.
I wrote in my journal, stuff I don't feel comfortable saying here. It was helpful I think to vent.

Chloe is having a few friends spend the night tomorrow, so we will make home made pizza...yummy.
I took her to see the orthopedist today and he found nothing wrong with her hips and back.  He and the tech saw some gray matter in part of her hip that does not have pain, so we will just watch for fevers or any pain there.
He does not see any reason for her to be adjusted 2 times a week.  I agree. Its too much on her little body he said.
I am sure Doc Steph will not be crazy about his comments but I don't care.  I am not exactly happy with her anyway so, her option does not ring with me right now.
I hate when you give someone the benefit of the doubt and they use you anyway.  She is not the person I thought she was.  I look forward to getting my down stairs rooms back.
( I let a so called friend move in here in Feb for a few months, that has now turned into her conducting business in here and taking advantage of our goodness) (I put the squah on it before I left for NY) She has till Jan 1st to move out. Hopefully she will move out before then.

Kent has been extremely helpful and loving to me thru this time.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband.  I can not imagine my world without him.  He is very patient almost to a fault.  I love how he never yells at me.  I have another friend who's husband yells at her and the kids and she never gets any warnings.
I would hate that.  I use to live that way as a child and I hated feeling like I was on pins and needles all the time.
I am so happy my husband is not like that.  Well I would never tolerate that kind of behavior anyway.
I asked her why she doesn't divorce him, but she really can't because she doesn't have a job and she has a special needs child whom gets ill often and she has to stay home with her.
I understand her frustration because it is hard to plan anything like a job with kiddos like ours.
Its kinda like flying by the seat of your pants in a way.  Andrew is stable right now, but if he gets sick this winter it will be interesting to do all the care alone again.
Unfortunately he gets asthma issues with a slight cold and aspirated pneumonia many winters.
I am praying he does not get the flu again this year.
He will be getting the H1N1 and flu vac this year.

Well I am going for a walk with the kids its nice outside.

Today is a blah day

I think because I messed up my medications a little and adding new diabetes meds, I feel a little blah.

I called the Doctor and she called in a refill for me right away.  I never ask her for emergency meds like that, so she was nice about doing it.  She also was concerned.  I see her for an apt. on Oct.8th so I guess we will talk more then.
I have felt a bit off since I came back from NY.  Seeing my old friends made me miss them more now that I am gone. But it was wonderful to see Monica and spend so much time with her.  I love how we think so much alike on so many things still after all these years.
I felt bad for Bill as his dad is being placed in a nursing home and is not doing so well.

I got to see my Nana which was wonderful. Seeing my Father was okay.  I think back at how for so many years I thought I would say all this stuff to him out of anger, but honestly when it came time to be face to face with him after 20 yrs, I just said hello and hugged him.
He held out his arms first, so I went over and hugged him.  I felt like I was hugging a stranger. I am surprised nothing came rushing out of me. I guess because I forgave him for all the abuse and gave it all to God, it really did make a difference. 
You know how people tell you forgive and give it up to God.  It really works.
Not that I am surprised at that so much as I guess I am proud of myself for REALLY completing it.  You can say your forgiving someone, and deep down it really still hurts and you want to hurt them some how.  I am just amazed at how well this has worked for me.
I know I am running my sentences together, I don't claim to be a good English major. LOL

I did not see my sisters at all, and had no desire to either. That's odd isn't it?  I mean I should want to have a relationship with them, but I don't.  They all live in the past and I don't.
 I live in the now. Its so much better and happier here.

I hope that by getting my medication straight I will feel less anxiety.  I want to do some many things all at once I feel overwhelmed today. That's why I am writing.  I figured this would help me sort out my thoughts.

We will no longer have our Nanny so all the responsibility is back on me. No breaks.
Maybe that's it. I finally got to where I felt like I was organized in my time and now, boom...switching.
I won't be able to volunteer at the DH office on Fridays like I once did and I have to figure out how to be at OT for an hour and be home for CHloe' too.
This must be it as I am getting upset thinking about it.  okay okay I am just going to put down some of my rambling thoughts and not worry about the grammar so I can get though this.
I remember being anxious during the time we were getting ready to move here. There was so much to do.
I had the help of the older ones but I still held all the strings.

We are not moving and I have no stress, so what the hell. God please take this feeling away from me. I hate having my heart pound out of my chest like this.
I think I will get my stuff and go for a walk before I go get Andrew.
Sounds like a plan.

Old feelings

Its odd how going to a place you have not been to in a long time brings back out feelings.  Some of joy and some of pain.
My trip to NY in many ways last week was both healing and painful.
I am having a real hard time getting back into the swing of things here and I can't figure out why.
I have a beautiful home and for some reason it is overwhelming me.
Maybe its just the size of it and when I was in NY things seemed so much smaller. If that can make sense.
Monica's home was small and filled with children's stuff.  I felt bad for her as I have help and my house is so big and I feel unorganized.  Weird to feel this way.

I loved spending time with Monica and only wish we lived closer to one another so we could help each other with our kids.
I know its sad that we live so far, but I would never move back to NY. No reason too first off, work is slim and taxes are just too high.
I love our home and friends.
Kent has a good job and I am able to care for the kids and volunteer sometimes.
Our Nanny just gave me a weeks notice. I knew she was looking for full time somewhere but honestly we are going to miss her. She was a doll.
I won't have the time I did before to volunteer.  I am sad to miss the Dream House office on Fridays but I have to be here for the kiddo's.

I am going to try to organize the house over the next two weeks when the kids are in school and get on a cleaning schedule.  Eunicia was cleaning the kids rooms and bath and doing the laundry but that will me on me from now on.
It will be fun getting the house together.  I have been needing to do some fall cleaning anyway. Try to get ready for the holidays.
I need to make a list of gifts I plan on making and get going on those as time allows.
I think I am going to give up on my Tuesday night class.  I need to spend more time here with the family.

Seeing my father at my Nana's nursing home was not as bad as it could have been.  He behaved himself and I even went over and gave him a hug.
He seems so much older and living in his good memories. I guess that's the way he copes.
I did not bring up the past as it was not the time but someday I am sure we will talk about the abuse he caused and the pain he inflicted on me and the others.

I was just happy to see my Nana. She looks so small and frail. Although has all her wits about her.
She talked for two hours straight giving me no time to interject a comment or two.
Its okay, she is very lonely and I plan on sending her a picture book with all the recent pictures of the kids.
She will love to share that with her new friends in the nursing home.
I will have to mail it to Dad and Judy so they can bring it up to her.
I plan on sending some treats for her too. Sugarless candy and some magazines.  She loves to read and I think I will even send some writing paper and stamps.
I only wish she would come down here to live with me. I know that will never happen.
Well time to get on with the day.....

Memories of my past

Just how many times have I thought of the past. I guess we have thought about High school and other times of fun. This weekend has been fun with going to my class reunion.
I have reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones too.  Its been nice hearing I have not changed, although I know in my heart I have.
I have changed into the person I always wanted to be and that is a good feeling.
Spending time with Monica has been such a blessing to me. We finish each others sentences still to this day.
She came to me with clothes so i could go last tight to the social and I felt great in her clothes. We use to swap clothes when we were kids too. Monica always had the nicer stuff though. Her Mother alwasy had this great sence of style that rubbed off on Monica.  Being a plus size woman I like to wear classic outfits. Monica always seemed to and even now has the best taste in clothes and sence of style.
I admire that about her. She has no idea how much I love and miss being with her.  Leave on Wednesday is going to very hard.
I got to see Billy and his dad is not doing so well.  My heart is breaking for him while at the same time I am glad he is living in the NOW and not hiding from his feeling.
I hid from the feeling of loss for my Mother for many year and it took a toll on my heart and soul.  I am so glad he is able to say good bye to his Dad.  I know later it will mean the world to him.

I miss Kent , Andrew and Chloe so much.  It hard not having that cuddle time in the morning with them. Although it has made me realize how much I have.
My friend Gina is going through being a single Mother and I know it is hard for her.  I only wish I could help her somehow.  If she were closer I could watch AJ for her.   She is an amazing friend and sweet person.  I am so glad we reconneted on FB and are going to spend some time together today.

More to follow soon.

A week until I go to NY

Its a week until I go to NY and see old friends at my 25th Reunion and visiting with my Grandmother and Aunt Madeline. 
I am so looking forward to this visit.  I am most of all looking forward to spending time with my closest childhood friends, Monica and Bill.
To me they were my rocks after my mother died.  I felt so lost yet they both helped me through one of the roughest times in my life.
After my mothers suicide Bill brought over a stevie Nicks record of a song she wrote called "Landslide".
Its a well known song and to this day I feel explains how my Mother could have been feeling.  Bill brought me much comfort doing that and I don't even think he realized how much it ment to me.  He held me in his arms, Oh so many times as I cried tears of pain and loss.
I remeber him getting mad at me one day for wearing all black after months had pasted. I was in my dark depression and Only he and Monica got me through it.

Now realize these were two teenagers that helped me. Usually in a time of being all about yourself and your social life they were there for me by my side. They were smarter than many adults who's words to me stung and hurt. Comments like " oh you will get over this in time" or "I understand how you feel". 
Not once did my two darling friends ever repeat those words.  They knew deep down I would never be the same and they could not ever know the pain I was in.  They had great compassion for a friend, I made it through the roughest part of my life because of the love they gave me.  Love can truely conquer all things.

Monica is one of those people that will be your friend until death.  Same with Bill.  I always feel like we just spoke last week even when time goes past and we don't have any contact.
I love Monica's sweet spirit and artist mind.  She doesnt even realize how much I admire her still to this day.  She does what she LOVES to do. Music.
 I am just starting to do more art and enjoy going to my Tuesday night classes. I have always had this need or desire to help others almost to a fault.
I tend to not set boundries and that then gets me hurt.
I am trying to learn from my old friends.. They both have involved themselves in music and its a passion they each have always had.  I had a passion for singing, but for some reason lost my passion.
I am now trying to find it. Is it singing, art, jewlery design?  I know I have a passion for children, but my lack of being able to say NO gets me in trouble.  I have been known for spoiling my own children and I espeically want to spoil those that I will foster.
Maybe thats it. Maybe my passion is being a humanitarian.

Well All I know is how to be happy and I contribute much of that to MY wonderful friends. Monica and Bill I love you both very much and thank you for always being by my side.

Today I am volunteering at Dream House for Medically Fragile children's office.
I really enjoy this place and the people here.  I feel like I am doing something to help since financially I can't give much.

As I recall time I have spent within the walls of the hospital, I wished I had known I was going to be there for so long. I would have taken classes online.  I find myself wishing I had my counseling degree.  I have been counseling 2 new Mothers of medically fragile kiddos lately.
I feel like I should know more than I do. But they say they feel comforted by speaking to me and like myself they don't feel alone like they once did.

Having a child that requires so much of you is tiring and mentally draining.
Andrew is stable now but I now from past experience that it was draining.
I now know how to deal with the stress and I feel great about helping other parents with that.
Finding 5 minutes daily to just meditate is a great way to distress and to find things to be grateful for.
Having a date night with your spouse is a great idea too on a regular basis.
There are respite groups and programs available and I explain all that to them.

I love helping oter people.  Right now I just feel like I am not doing enough. I feel like I am in a little rut.  Finding out I can not work out till after my heart Eco is killing me.  Its been beautiful out too.

Its 12:40 and I am sitting in the library down the road from ANdrew's school. In about an hour I will pick him up for speach therapy.
I love going to therapy with him. I am amazed at how hard he works with Katie and all she can get him to do.
He is working on the concept of behind and under and next to. I never realized how important those concepts were until she began asking him to place items next to and behind something else. Launguage is very complex and I am learning so much as we go along.

I started this blog today not really wanting to share my "news' with anyone, but I guess this is the place I don't have to worry what other people think of me so much.
Did I just say that? I did. I worry what others think of me. hmmmmm that interesting, I say outwardly I don't care, but deep down I do. I guess we all care what others think of us in one way or the other.

SO back to my news...... I went for a physical yesterday for 2 reasons. First to get cleared to do this new wellness program with Sara and Primacare and 2nd for our Foster Care application.
Well lets say its not good. I can't work out at all till I have a Heart Eco because the EKG found something wrong. OKay burst my bubble about working out why don't you, Doc.

I am waiting to get a appt. and then waiting to get the results. Pooh.
I really was so excited about this all and now I have to wait.
I know there is nothing wrong with my heart, I feel great.
It always seems like the little things bother me. I am so use to big things and things I can control, this I can't.

Second thing is I will not be going up to NY for the reunion. The cost for a rental car is $500 plus gas for a week. Not a very reasonalbe price as I thought it would be. Kent is trying to figure out a way to get me up to ALbany from While Plains and rent a car in town, but it is still mega pricey. I will need to save up more money and maybe drive up in the spring.
I was really looking forward to seeing my Nanna. She is 91 this Dec. and I would like to spend some time alone with her.
Oh well, maybe in the spring.

Its 4 am.... can't sleep...big surprise.

Since its 4am and I am not able to sleep I thought, "hey Blog".

That's me holding Andrew 6 yrs ago. Wow, how time flies. Its also 130 pounds lighter too.

My weight has always yoyoed and I guess I am use to it. But now, I just want to be healthy. Losing the weight is not as important as being healthy, what ever weight that might be.

Beginning today I start with my personal trainer Sara. I pray this 24 yr old girl, doesn't kill me, or scream her so called encouragement at me. I don't like THAT type of motivation. No boot camps for me. I am more of the loving, sweet type gets you more with me type.

Did that make sense? I am not so sure and since its 4:13am who really cares.

Looking back at that picture, I remember being scared to death. This was my last baby. My only boy. Shortly after that picture was taken he had his open heart surgery.

I recall feeling very numb throughout the beginning years with Andrew. I did not want to feel much for if I did I would break into a million pieces.

Giving birth to a typical child is scary enough, but this little guy, WOW roller coaster ride from hell.

I think back and say "how did I do it?" I guess the answer was, I had no other choice. He was my son, my one and only last child. If not for me than who?

He was so small and yet the strongest person I had ever known. Still is to this day.

I love him like nothing I have ever felt before or ever will again. He has pushed my emotional limits without even trying.

I sit hear with tears in my eyes....well lots of tears, just remembering how simply horrified I was at the thought of not being "enough" for Andrew.

Could I help him? Could I teach him?

I loved him and at that moment I realized that was all I could offer. My heart sank.

What IF's flowed around in my mind like a tornado. I thought I was a good Mother up until this point. Until this perfect Angel from God came into my life. Now what? I would stare at him for hours in the NICU and just run ideas over and over in my mind of what might be yet to come.

I did not want to disappoint God.

I never felt so alone, scared and lost.

I recall feeling that way after my mothers suicide in 83'. I was 16 and life as I knew it changed in a blink if an eye. At least with this I could prepare in advance of the event.

I found out at 17 weeks Andrew had Down syndrome and a sizable hole in his heart.

I began to read everything there was on DS. I called the Early Intervention specialist in VA beach and asked a million questions. Still after 6 months of planning, I was a wreck.

I never could have imagined the ride I was about to under take was going to be so incredibly tough. Best laid plans.........