just ramblings....

  The fall weather makes me have many memories, some good some bad. It seems as though the trauma that happened to me has all happened mainly in the fall.
Today I feel like writing about Andrew.

It sounds kinda of mean in a way for me to consider Andrew as part as my life trauma, but in many ways he has been.  But most of all he has been the best thing that has happened to me.  All my children have been a wonderful addition to my life. But Andrew has made me change the most. To learn the most.

I found out I was expecting Andrew around Labor Day weekend of 2003.  I felt there was something wrong with him while standing in the mirror after a shower. It was late October and  I was just beginning to show and as I stood there, I heard this voice tell me, that he was a boy and that he would be okay, but that he has problems.
I tried to shake it off, but I couldn't.  I didn't tell Kent but I called my Aunt Lucy and told her what I was feeling and about the what I now know was the Holy Spirit telling me about him.

I remember thinking all I wanted to ever do was give Kent a boy and begged God to let him be okay.
I held in the feelings to myself to the point of wanting to burst.
I remember trying to make deals with God. Deals....what was I thinking. I wanted a perfect baby, just like every other Mother, but I also wanted this child to live.  Many times I thought what could be wrong with this baby?  I never thought of a genetic disorder and I am not sure what all I thought about a disability.
I know I thought of my sister Gina and how she had a learning disability. I recall having to help her with homework and over and over helping her to learn to drive.
I had this love for her and patience too.  I wondered if  I would have what it took to be this babies mother.

December came and I had my first ultrasound.  This was at 17 weeks and I could find out what the sex of the child was.  I already knew in my heart it was a boy.  I went in alone. Kent could not get the day off to come with me.
I asked my Aunt Lucy to come with me so she could watch Chloe while I was in the ultra sound.  The tech was quiet and then said it was a boy.  I told her his name will be Andrew.  She took some more pictures but would not let me see the screen. I knew in my heart that she was hiding it from me. But I knew ....I knew.

The tech told me that Dr. Martha would want to see me, to wait in the waiting room.  Why didn't she come into the ultra sound room like she had in the past?
My heart sunk deeper. Lucy asked me what was going on and I told her the doc want to talk to me before I leave.
I was called into her office and as I entered, Dr. Martha was sitting there with tears in her eyes.
I wondered dear God what was wrong. I thought she was going to tell me a Patient of hers had died or something. Why I thought that is still unknown to me. Maybe it was my way to calm my self.
She looked at me and Said "Lisa I am sorry, this is not a viable pregnancy."  What? What did you say?
I don't understand what your saying to me. Viable??? What the hell is that?
She came around the side of the desk to hold my hand. I pulled away. I was getting upset.
My heart began to pound and my face began to get numb and tingling.
I recall this feeling all to well for it was the feeling I had when they told us they had found my Mother dead by a self inflicted  gun shot wound.
In fact it was the exact same day 20 years earlier I had heard the words, your Mother is dead.
"God would never make this the worst day of my life again" This is Gods way of telling me this baby is going to live", I told Martha.
She began to tell me all that was on the ultra sound. He has cysts on his spine, cysts on his brain, fluid around his heart and fluid around his brain, she said.  This baby will not live, she said.
I was just numb.  She then said if this child lives he would have no quality of life and be a huge burden on us.
She has seen this in the past and it never has a happy ending. She told me I should terminate the baby.
WHAT? Kill my son...not only No but Hell No.
My mind had already been made up, go thru this pregnancy as planned to the end. If God wants my son back he will have to take him.
Martha heard me loud and clear. She made arrangements with a specialist and a genetics dept to talk about disorders and issues.
I called Kent right away and he came right then to the office.
He was on the same page as me.  We would take our son in any way he came and we would love him all the more.
I need a break from this and I will follow with more soon.